As Christmas approaches…
As the holiday season approaches, I guess its time to give an account of my progress. I’ve reached four months since I first went to a therapist. In late September, I entered a ten-week recovery therapy. I finished this therapy two weeks ago, and now I see my therapist at less frequent intervals.How would I rate my progress? I am very happy with my progress. I managed to stay clear of visiting a prostitutes throughout this entire time. More importantly I have developed automated defenses. There have been times when I was downtown out with friends, and the thought to visit was there. I was near a brothel, and I could easily wait for the evening to finish and then pay a visit. But I didn’t go. And I didn’t have to fight with myself to not go. I simply ignored the thought and drove home like I always did. This for me is my greatest progress. NOT NEEDING TO FIGHT WITH MYSELF. Being able to ignore the urge when its there.
In this timeframe I have managed to stay clear of pornography by installing a porn filter. I have stayed away from online matchmaking sites, and stopped using social networks when I realized that these were in fact working as substitutes. Am I still curious to look at sexy pictures, and to click on banners of attractive girls? Of course I am! In fact my therapist tells me its perfectly normal. I am a 31 year old guy who is attracted to women. Any normal guy my age would do this.
There does however hang an important question which was raised in my previous therapy session. What happens when I am set free? What happens if the “embargo” is lifted and I don’t need to report on my progress? What happens when I stop therapy and I am no longer under supervision? What happens if I start pursuing dates with girls again, and I go through a phase where I have sexual urges that can’t be immediately satisfied? Will I go straight back to the whorehouse? Or will I pursue fantasy online relationships? What happens when I uninstall the porn filter? Will I go straight back to downloading pics and videos?
All these issues remain to be answered, and in fact the purpose of the less frequent visits to my therapist is exactly this. I guess you can call it a crash test. Spending 20 days without seeing your therapist and seeing how you respond, and recording everything that goes trhough your mind. Expect further progress reports soon…
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