To all you partners out there
I get quite a few emails from people reading my blog. Nearly all emails I get are from women. And nearly all women who write to me are partners of sex addicts. It seems that most of these emails tend to cover very similar issues that partners of sex addicts are experiencing. Therefore I decided to write a few points the partner should be aware of:
1. First and foremost, you cannot force a person into recovery. Its up to the addict to make the decision. Its up to the addict to say, enough is enough I need to change. I get a lot of questions “how I can take my partner to therapy etc”. I am sorry but its not your decision to make. The addict must make it. Even if he gets dragged into a therapists room, its only a matter of time before he relapses if he doesn’t want to be there.
2. Secondly if he states “I shall never do it again” it means that this person is not ready for recovery yet. He is only bullshitting himself (and he probably knows it). The person in recovery says “I cannot control it and that’s why I need help“.
3. I have no money for therapy. Another sign that they are not ready for recovery yet. A person who acknowledges the destruction sex addiction has caused him, will find the money. He will cut other costs to help him with his problem.
I hope that this post has goven some answers and clarifiactions. I will look out to bring up other issues in future posts.
All true and good points. My husband and I were just talking last night about how hard the early days of recovery can be — his sponsee is just starting the program and was asking some of these same types of questions around his relationship and recovery. They are hard to get, not just one’s head around, but one’s heart — especially before or early on in recovery.
Thanks, after 9 years with my husband, I cant take any more. I am demolished after finding out he has been at it for years after he said he stopped. I feel gutted.
I discovered after 29 yrs of marriage my husband was a sex addict using prostitutes,sex chatlines, brothels, etc; for 6 yrs of our marriage he initially says it was 2 yrs and i went on to discover it was 6 i think it has been longer but he denies it!
We have went to Relate and he has saw 2 other counsellors once!
He refuses to take a lie detector test and will not go to see a sex therapist adamant he is fighting this his own way with out outside intervention i wonder! for the past two years we have been in recovery but i am always left wondering is he fully recovered the factt the trust has gone i will never know i fear for my health and for my 3 kids who adore their dad he will never now the lasting damage he has caused and all for filthy sex!!! unforgiveable in my book.
My husband was sexually molested as a boy in Catholic school. I know this plays a huge part in the addiction. My own molestation as a little girl and recovery taught me much about my promiscuity as a young woman. Once you’ve been stripped of sexual innocence, especially at such a young age, your whole outlook is skewed. I get the why, but only God can truly heal the brokenness. I am praying after catching him texting with a local stripper trying to buy favors. She told me after I called her about it. Yes, the lies abound, but there is grace for the day and I lean on Jesus to take us toward healing for him, no matter what it takes!
Hi, I am not sure if you’re still blogging these days? I recently came across your blog and have found it so inspiring. I recently and reluctantly left my SA partner although we do keep in-touch, and although I love him and miss him very much I don’t want to get caught up in the old routine again. I have spent so much time “trying to get to the end of the string” as you put it, that I have put about my life on hold. He is desperately down but says he has had enough and is determined to change. I have couple of questions and wonder if you could share your thoughts.
How do you know when someone is sincerely ready to attempt recovery, what’s different?( forgive me but I have heard this before and he is very believable)?
What support should, could I give or is it best to leave him to go it alone?
You should support his efforts. There is strength in that. When change is real, Christ is at the center. I can understand your reluctance. I would pray for wisdom and discernment and ask God to direct your steps. HE is the one with all the answers. You are ahead of me in all this. My husband has yet to even admit his issues with lust and subsequent addiction.
Thank you for your response. Someone told me once, that when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I bought a great book yesterday called codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. It’s turning out to be the perfect read for me at this time. For the first time in ages I found myself at peace today (long may it last). I need some time to unravel my own demons and rescue myself first. I believe I have avoided doing this in the past by focusing my attention on my ex. I need to learn and understand the difference between support and rescue if I am to stay in tact and be of any help to either of us. I hope that doesn’t come across as selfish. The problem I have is that when I see him sad and struggling I want to make it better for him and my gut tells me only he can do that. I hope your husband finds his way to recovery and in the meantime take care of yourself.
Dear Hopeful ex partner,
first of all just to let you know, that its been a long time since I last blogged. I basically abandoned my blog when I realised that talking about my addiction was holding me back instead of letting me move on. I needed new things in my life, that would inspire me, and would help me break free from the past.
As to your question, I dont think you ever really know if you if the person is determined to quit. “Quitting” is not a one minute decision, but a very long-term commitment, and every day you stay clean from that moment on, you will need to repeat to yourself that decision.
I fully agree that you should focus on yourself, and explore your personal issues, rather than dealing with his. After all its his addiction, he should sort it out for himself. You should also be open to all scenarios, including the scenario that you may eventually need to abandon him permanently if you realise that he is not getting his act together.
Hi, someone I love is a sex addict. When on occaion we spend time together, things will go great and the intimancy seems to be dialed up a notch from the last time. So it is hurtful more so when in a matter of a hour or a day, he will say or mention something regarding having sex with my daughter and I. I will confront him on this because it is a button he knows to push after the first time he said it and I was very upset. Now it seems a joke, and this last time, the comment came a day after we had a enjoyable day together. We were to have a date the following day, but he seemingly sabataged the whole date first with not getting a hold of me after saying he was crabby, then becoming a no show for the date, and lastly conveniately not getting in touch with me till he was miles away and it made no sense at a late hour to return for a date. He had a excuse to trash our plans of course. This cycle always throughs me into acting out in my co-depency, pleading with him to talk to me because he ‘closes down’. Trying hard to research what it is that is causing all this. I try to tell him that if he would just talk we could move past this. After two weeks, today, he says that no matter where we are at in our relationship I always want more of him, and he is not comfortable with it. Why is it about me again, it seems a little like another kick in the teeth and it hurts more than the silent treatment did. I have done what I can everyday to be healthier, knowing that given my abusive upbringing I am prone to be more destructive to the relationship if I stay in it, and I have done what I can to find out from resources what to say, what and how to say it right, using the “I” sentences, and even praying anytime I think about it. For years he has known that I love him, and I allow to be dragged back in rationalizing that he wouldn’t use that against me, this last time he even went so far as to buy my children and I groceries, and told me to talk to him the next day, and promised we would spend the date coming up. It was like okay now we might be able to move on and have a good friendship that can grow without the huge fight for it to not grow. But it would seem now, he used my emotions even more so than ever and it shames me that I fell for it. I have been walking around dissassociated with my life for two weeks, because I didn’t know how to feel, what to think, all I could do is care about him and want to know why the heck would a adult man that knew better still say a horrible thing in reference to having sex with my daughter and I. And it is me now in his mind that is the problem for wanting ‘to much’ of him. When all I wanted was to know what is going on and can we just talk about it and move on to getting healthier.
I am hurting, I want to cry so hard, but at the same time I want to cut whatever is hurting right out of my very being and through it far away from me to ever see again. I wish there was more info or help out there for partners, or friends or potential partners or people who just are in love with someone with a sex addiction. I have such limited funds and there seems to be nothing directly relating to anything I know in my world.