Summertime
I am slowly approaching one year in recovery. I have survived the entire year and lived out all four seasons. However, I left the worst season for last: The Summer
Everyone agrees that the warm weather in the Summer increases sex drive. (For all people, not only addicts) I also happen to live in a Mediterranean city with very hot weather in the Summer. This means that every day I come across lots of sexy women with very little clothing and lots of bare skin exposed. I go to the beach and see attractive girls in bikinis. When I was an addict, these triggers were usually quickly satisfied by paying a visit to a prostitute. That’s not possible now.
At the start of the Summer, my girlfriend asked me if I the increase in sexual triggers would affect me. I didn’t think it would. I thought I would deal with the triggers just like I deal with triggers all the time. However now, after two months of hot weather, I find myself that I am living out an overload of sexual triggers around me. And I still have at least another two months to go.
In my year of recovery, I did not look at any porn, and I have in general avoided all sorts of magazines, or other material with sexual content. Therefore this real-life prolonged exposure to near naked girls walking in the street, came as a shock. This has been a test I did not expect to face. Hopefully, next summer I will be a bit more confident and better prepared.
As a recovering sex addict, I completely relate to what you are going through! There is something to the warmth of the summer that sparks sexuality more than any other season. Crime rates usually increase in the summer as well, particularly at night while it’s warm enough to roam the streets and dark enough to be hidden.
But, on the topic of recovery from sexual addiction, there are a lot of “mental programs” that need to be rewritten in us, especially since everything about the sex addict’s experience was alive in the “mind.” It was triggered by all the the things around us and transmitted through the senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. In these times, like summer, when we can’t control the exterior events or “triggers,” it’s important that we take control of the the thing we can: ourselves… and it starts in the mind. This is something that, as addicts, we are actually experienced at because we had to control our minds by lying to ourselves, creating false realities and fantasies, and convincing ourselves that how we were living was perfectly fine and we weren’t “hurting anyone.” But, we need to use those same mentally controlling abilities that were used for “bad” and reprogram them to be used for “good” by speaking truth into our minds.
For example, when I’m faced with the unavoidable opportunity to see the “nearly naked hot girl who visually arouses me” at the beach I need to use truth to rewrite my image of her to read, “woman,” or “person,” because at this point I have no relationship with her, other than we happen to be at the same beach today. She is not my wife, and she is not “nearly naked” so that I would be sexually aroused… well, if she is, then she is unhealthy and needs to identify her value as person not as a sexual object, but that’s none of my business… the thing that I focus on today is why I’m here. Is it to objectify women?… as I did in my destructive past, or is it to enjoy the beauty of life?… as I do now by worshiping God and experiencing His creation with family and community. This is how my mental programs are being rewritten (or “renewed” as explained in Romans 12:1-2)
I’m on my second sober summer so I hope I’m an encouragement to you when I say that this summer has been a lot easier than the last. I also think you’ll find that you are right about next summer: you’ll be “a bit more confident and better prepared.” I know that because of the mental programs that have been rewritten in me, I’m not experiencing as many triggers. Even the times I’ve been tempted this summer it’s easier to see a healthy way of escape!
I’m excited to see you are blogging all this. Keep speaking truth!
Thank you very much for this comment. I especially enjoyed the part about re-writing the mental program inside us, so that we perceive sexual triggers differently. I have a question for you: Don’t you find that sometimes your mind refuses to “re-write” the mental programs inside you? Dont you find that sometimes you enjoy the feeling that there are many sexual triggers around you? I sure feel like that sometimes.
Yes, to answer your question, I find that sometimes my mind refuses to rewrite those mental programs, and it can get pretty dangerous to be in that position. I was actually just talking with one of my accountability partners last week who says one of the things that has helped him to stay sober for over fifteen years is the ability to “poison” the memories, and triggers, with the truth. When asked what that looks like (to “poison” with the truth) he explains that, when faced with a tempting thought or memory, he reminds himself that no matter how good the feeling, it only created pain, loneliness, and despair in the end. And, no matter how safe, or innocent, the trigger may appear, it is still just as destructive as a relapse since there is no such thing as “innocence.” He explains, there are hidden motives in all of us. Both the sex addict and the temptress are equally selfish. They’re both responsible for the depravity of man.
To answer your other question: Yes, as an addict, I enjoy having many sexual triggers around me because it is helping me to meet a legitimate need. So I simply ask myself, “What need am I trying to meet by allowing this sexual trigger to be an influence?” For example, am I looking for control?… am I searching for approval?… do I just want excitement? When I identify the need, I can pray for an opportunity to meet that need in a healthy way. If I honestly seek the answer it’s revealed every time.
Anyway, I hope that all make sense… for me, I have found that calling an accountability partner and admitting my weakness has made me stronger and has kept me sober many times.
Thanks for the thought provoking questions!
Great dialogue. It’s so insightful and helpful to hear this side of things.
I agree with your accountability partners approach about poisoning thoughts and urges. This method works a lot with me. Every time I think about visiting a prostitute again, I remind myself how crappy it felt to be trapped inside that world. How crappy it felt to be wandering around for endless hours with no purpose but simply living for the next visit. I remind myself that now I have been liberated from that world, and that I never ever want to end up there again. I remember how isolated I was from my girlfriend, and how I do not want to lose her again.
Regarding the whole summertime issue, I saw my therapist yesterday and we devoted the entire hour to this subject. She advised me to do what you do, basically to neutralise the thought, by converting the nasty urge into a simple thought. For example “the hot near-naked sex object in a bikini” can become “wow that bikini really looks good on that attractive girl” or “its great seeing girls that are in good shape”
first of all, thank you for your blog and for this open discussion. over the last 5 or 6 years i’ve been deep into stripclubs & mps. a few weeks ago i found God. it was a very powerful experience and has made me want to make some necessary changes in my life. obviously, this is one of them. since my renewed faith, i’ve been good, not looking at any porn, staying away from mp’s and stripclubs, i’ve deleted all the porn from my computer, & sustained from masturbation. but yesterday the strong urge to visit an m.p. was in my mind all day. i prayed and read passages of scripture in attempts to keep me strong, but i was weak, and i slipped. i called an mp, but my girl wasn’t working. i thought thank God… he’s protecting me. however, later that night i went out to meet a friend but found myself driving to a strip club instead. it was so easy for me to get my fix. i really want to fight this addiction and i want to win, but yesterday was confirmation that i am truly messed up in this. when the urge feels so natural, what do you do?? right now i’m single and i want to start a real relationship, but i know i need to quit this and get control first as i don’t want to hurt anyone else. i want to quit my self-hurting habits… when you need more than prayer, what other methods of self-control do you do in those moments of weakness? are there any mental exercises or affirmations you can share with us.
Question to ‘ a year and counting into recovery’: Your accountability partner has been sober for 15 years….. but it sounds like the addiction issue still lingers inside his head? is this true? Its just scary to know that it might never go away. Even if you can/ and are able to control it well…
Hey Adam, its great to read about your story. The fact that you are speaking out about your problem and you are admitting to your addiction shows you’ve come a long way.
I am not aware about the details of yur situation but I would strongly advise (if you havent already) to talk about your problem to other people not just through blogs but also in real life. These people could be a therapist, friends and relatives or a 12 step program. Its important to have someone to talk to when in crisis.
It also makes you feel more accountable every time you considering breaking your vow.
I am sorry that you relapsed, but its not the end of the world. Keep on fighting.
Answer to “Banana”:
I wouldn’t say the “addiction” still lingers in his head, but the ability to make a bad decision will always be there. Although he has been sober for over 15 years, he still admits that he is only one bad decision away from relapse. And, that “bad decision” can come in ANY form… even if it’s just a decision to watch an “innocent” movie that he knows he probably shouldn’t watch because it’s rated “R” for sexual content. He calls this, simply, “NOT being stupid.”
As ex-addicts we need to be honest and admit that we are powerless against temptation on our own… ironically, it’s admitting our weakness to our accountability partners, and asking for help that makes us strong. There are times when I’ve been tempted to “be stupid,” and drive by an old strip club I used to frequent, just to see if there are any familiar faces in the parking lot, but, calling an accountability partner to admit my weakness and praying with them had eliminated any desire to “be stupid.”
I have to agree with you that it is scary to think that we could be sexually tempted for the rest of our lives, but my accountability partner assures me that it does get easier, the more we use accountability and prayer.
Glad to see you share your journey w/ others…
I am curious as to HOW the massage parlor deal works…and WHY MP girls would allow/have unprotected sex w/ clients? I live in S. Calif. & there’s a damn sleazy asian MP on every corner…
Also, my SA husband (in recovery) said that he kissed some of the MP prostitutes also…
Also, WTF do they WEAR during session?
thanks!
It’s amazing
@ Scribbling mum
There is no straight rule regarding MPs. MPs differ from country to country, from city to city, even from one MP to the other. In some places they are simply brothels with a fancy name, whereas at other MPS, some MP girls may offer “premium” services to their good clients. Anyway I am not going to ramble anymore about MPS, its something I want to put behind me and besides I dont want to give anyone ideas or advice regarding these places.
This is the wife, to scribbling-mum (and other partners of SA’s)– Let me tell you, it’s better not to know the answers to those questions. We don’t have to have our heads full of debauchery and impurities in order to be wise, loving people, which is probably what you want to be. The more you ruin your own mind, the more you have to heal from before you can get on with your life the way you want it to be. The bottom line is that both the men and the women are all objectifying each other AND themselves, medicating their brokenness by using the other person, and no matter what they wear or do to act this out, it is sad and they need help. God did not intend for us to heal our hurts by using and abusing ourselves and each other. It doesn’t work and we just become more and more broken. As hard as it is for us wives/partners of SA’s, it’s important to view everyone involved in the industry as people, not as objects of pain and destruction to be hated. It’s not our job to place judgement…their choices are creating their own consequences as it is.
I have no sympathy for any whore who takes money from men husbands ,partners, they see a wedding ring on their fingers and could not give a damn as long as they get paid that’s all that matters to them so to every sex addicts wife/partner please do not waste anytime on these sleazeballs of society they are scum plain as yes we are not here to judge but wake up smell the coffee for every marriage that is broken because of these places where whores strut their stuff it is demoralising for the men who use them you are dispicable and as bad as the whores themselves.
Think of the innocent wife at home with kids or the innocent partner waiting on you coming through the door unknown to her you have just had sex with a manky whore!! and possibly have sex with your wife/partner that same night cause you will screw anything that walks!!
To all sex addicts listen up from a wife of one You will ruin your life and those around you you could end up seriously ill or worse in prison! Please stop this behaviour before it kills you it nearly killed my husband due to the stress of leading a double life it was all too much in the end especially when i caught him and his secret sordid life was exposed he is in recovery now but only time will tell if he makes it and all because he viewed porn one night cause he was bored!!! Bored with 3 kids??
That boredom turned to acting out with whores, sex chatlines, costing us a fortune he was using money making us overdrawn with the bank for years we were always scrimping and never had enough to get by on yet he had money to spend on whores weekly!!
I don’t think i will ever get over this huge breach of betrayal and playing with my health ever i only pray i can live out my life with peace and free from ill health why did i deserve this?
Should one man’s selfishness cause this pain? No is the answer i was a good faithful commited wife and he traded that for half hourly appts with sluts to satisfy his sick lustful fantasies why i have choose to stay with him is beyond me now i loved this man with all my heart gave him 3 beautiful kids and we had a good life the only problem we had was i did’nt act like a whore in bed!
I never will i wished for him to take ill so he could be taken from my life and i would not have to live with the WHAT IF!! Scenario day in day out but that has passed the anger and tears are begining to dry up now none left i have cried a river over his cheating ways and for all you men out there take heed this may or may not kill you but it might kill the most precious thing you will ever have or own YOUR WIFE!!