Quick update

After paying tribute to my one year in recovery, some of you are probably wondering why I haven’t written in a long time. Basically the reason is because there was nothing to write about.

The last few weeks have been calmer in terms of urges, and I’ve been quite busy with work, travel and several other obligations like moving homes. It feels good that more productive activities have replaced sexual thoughts and urges. There are of course several new subjects I plan to write about in the upcoming months so you will be definitely be seeing more of me.

August 17

I admitted that I was powerless over my sex addiction. I realized that my life had become unmanageable. I decided to seek help.

(I guess you can call it my personal step 1)

August 16

This day deserves a very special mention in my calendar. On August 16, 2007, my life as well as my girlfriend’s life changed forever. It was the start of a new path for both of us. I will be eternally grateful to the events that occurred on this day.

Slipping…

Slipping is when you flip through a magazine with erotic content and spend much time looking at the models pictured inside

Slipping is when you don’t throw out the magazine

Slipping is when you tell yourself maybe its time I start visiting stripclubs again

Slipping is when you imagine having sex with a prostitute and you don’t let the thought go away

Slipping is when you feel a unique thrill when driving by a massage parlour and you don’t worry about it

Slipping is when you see an attractive girl walking in the street and you are immediately thinking of satisfying your sexual urge

Slipping is when you don’t bother in arranging alternative activities that will distract you from sexual thoughts

Slipping is when you are coming dangerously close to a relapse

I’ve been doing too much slipping lately, and I have to get it under control again.

Running

There is a very special tool in my toolbox when it comes to fighting my past sex addiction. This tool is called running (or sports in general). Sports can provide powerful assistance to people in recovery. First of all exercising is a great way to relieve stress. Addicts have a tendency to turn to their habit when they are stressed, so why not turn to sports instead? Also when exercising, your body produces endorphins, which is leaves you with that feel-good feeling and improved self-esteem. I am surprised that there has not been much talk on the importance of exercise, when reading recovery blogs as well as addiciton resources.

My sports history goes back a long way. I was always a passionate runner, running cross-country and middle distances. I used to work out nearly every day, training passionately for track meets. Running played a very important part in my life. It gave me enormous motivation and passion.

To get things straight, my addiction had started to develop while I was a passionate runner. However it didn’t really escalate out of control until I stopped competitive running. When I stopped running, my workouts decreased dramatically, leaving more time for porn surfing, meeting escorts, and in general isolating myself. Even when I was deep in shit, the occasional running workout provided a respite from my sex addiction.

Now that I am in recovery, I have tried to squeeze as many workouts as possible in my timetable. I find 2-3 workouts a week keeps the urges at bay. If I don’t go for over 10 days, I find myself very quickly falling back in the trap of having consistent urges that don’t go away easily. My therapist does a very good job in reminding me how important it is to make running part of my daily plan, and that I should put aside other obligations (work etc.) to make time for running.

Zeroing the Debt

I was checking out my credit card statement the other day happy to notice that I have pretty much zeroed the debt. For me the fact that my CC is clean is another sign of recovery.

I had a habit of spending recklessly on sex services in my addiction days. And where as in the first years the cost was somewhat negligible on my financial situation, as time progressed I started spending more and more on sex services. In my quest for finding that extra thrill, something that would give me “THE FIX” I found myself spending more and more money. Regular callgirls became glamour escorts. I was living the myth, using money simply as the means to achieve my needs.

As a result after some point I was spending more than I was earning and I was gradually accumulating debt. Although I was aware that my increased spending on prostitutes was making my debt grow, I always found convenient excuses to justify myself. There were times where I told myself, its something I enjoy doing why shouldn’t I spend money. Some people spend their money on boating, others on scuba diving, I spend mine on prostitutes. There were times when I tried to make a budget for sex services, but that system didn’t last long, because whenever I needed my fix, I would simply “borrow” from next months budget. There were times where I told myself I expected increased earnings in the future that would help me in paying off any excess debt.

About Eleven months since the last time I spent on a sex service, the situation is as follows: All the excess cash arising from not spending on prostitutes went to debt-repayment. Also, because I now have more productive life, I can work harder, be far more efficient, and take on more jobs. As a result I have decreased my debt dramatically and I expect this pattern to continue.

Note: I have been able to decrease my debt despite the fact that I have spent thousands of Euros on therapy in the past year….

Summertime

I am slowly approaching one year in recovery. I have survived the entire year and lived out all four seasons. However, I left the worst season for last: The Summer

Everyone agrees that the warm weather in the Summer increases sex drive. (For all people, not only addicts) I also happen to live in a Mediterranean city with very hot weather in the Summer. This means that every day I come across lots of sexy women with very little clothing and lots of bare skin exposed. I go to the beach and see attractive girls in bikinis. When I was an addict, these triggers were usually quickly satisfied by paying a visit to a prostitute. That’s not possible now.

At the start of the Summer, my girlfriend asked me if I the increase in sexual triggers would affect me. I didn’t think it would. I thought I would deal with the triggers just like I deal with triggers all the time. However now, after two months of hot weather, I find myself that I am living out an overload of sexual triggers around me. And I still have at least another two months to go.

In my year of recovery, I did not look at any porn, and I have in general avoided all sorts of magazines, or other material with sexual content. Therefore this real-life prolonged exposure to near naked girls walking in the street, came as a shock. This has been a test I did not expect to face. Hopefully, next summer I will be a bit more confident and better prepared.

To all you partners out there

I get quite a few emails from people reading my blog. Nearly all emails I get are from women. And nearly all women who write to me are partners of sex addicts. It seems that most of these emails tend to cover very similar issues that partners of sex addicts are experiencing. Therefore I decided to write a few points the partner should be aware of:

1. First and foremost, you cannot force a person into recovery. Its up to the addict to make the decision. Its up to the addict to say, enough is enough I need to change. I get a lot of questions “how I can take my partner to therapy etc”. I am sorry but its not your decision to make. The addict must make it. Even if he gets dragged into a therapists room, its only a matter of time before he relapses if he doesn’t want to be there.

2. Secondly if he states “I shall never do it again” it means that this person is not ready for recovery yet. He is only bullshitting himself (and he probably knows it). The person in recovery says “I cannot control it and that’s why I need help“.

3. I have no money for therapy. Another sign that they are not ready for recovery yet. A person who acknowledges the destruction sex addiction has caused him, will find the money. He will cut other costs to help him with his problem.

I hope that this post has goven some answers and clarifiactions. I will look out to bring up other issues in future posts.